Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Unknowing, unknowing.

I wish you wouldn’t leave me hanging here without a clue,
I need something more than this from you,
You drop a bombshell on me,
And think it’s just okay to leave.
No explanations, no reasons,
Now I don’t know what to believe in,
Everybody’s got a theory on what’s wrong,
Just know I’ll believe your song.

I wish I could be there for you, but I can’t, and I’m not, and I just want you to understand.

I’m scared for you, I’m scared for me, I’m scared of everything we’ll end up being.

I wake up each morning, look around, wonder why I was scared, and then reality comes crashing in, and I just know.

I’m going to put my earphones on, try to forget about you, and pretend like nothing’s wrong.

I want to feel the pain, because when I finally get to take that painkiller, it just feels so damn good.

I’m tuning you out, numbing the pain, I’m trying to pretend I’ve gone insane.
I'm tuning you out, numbing the pain, hoping everything will wash away in the rain.

I want nothing more than to be there next to you. I value you so much more now that I’m gone. I understand so much more now that I’ve left. I feel so much more now that you’re hurt. And I’m not there. And it hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if these tears are just a desperate attempt at emotion.

It makes me vulnerable to know that I’m crying over a possibility that may never happen at all.
That might be nothing at all. Or something very small.
Either way, it’s you I care about. Big or small, something’s happening, so I’m worried.
Still wish I wouldn’t cry though.

All of the above are random things I came up with.
You didn't have to read them.
It wasn't about quality in all of these. But I've certainly got quantity.
I like the first two lines in this post. The poem thing. The stuff in tiny writing below it was supposed to be rap-like and random-er and unrelated-ish to the first two lines. So yeah. That's why it's so weird.

To : Tabi.
Mm. These quotes and stuff were a mixture of thinking of you and listening to 'Scared of Lonely' by Beyonce and some bits could relate to Fera as well. Btw, go listen to the song. Scared of Lonely. It's good. I love it. Heh. Miss you. Well, that's not exactly the word. I'm more worried and frustrated and annoyed and wanting to know. Something. Anything.

Curiosity kills me.

Unknowing, unknowing,
Won't you release me from your hold?

That didn't make sense, and wasn't poetic, but. I'm failing at poetry right now, so I couldn't care much. I could always use the basis to form a more beautiful piece in the future.

Take care.

- Lavinia.

P.S. - This sounded like an email. And I'm in the middle of writing one to you right now. Maybe that's why this is so email-like. o_o Hah.
By 'you', I mean Tabitha, of course.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Flying High

I just realised something else.

I would love to become an airline pilot.
I like the whole technicality of it. :D

being an airline pilot would mean I'd have to be responsible for lots of lives.

And I'm trying to avoid any job that would leave me responsible for people's lives.
(E.g. doctor, ... can't think of anymore atm. =_=)

I wouldn't be able to stand killing anyone.
Even indirectly.
: \
If you've read the post 'Crash and Burn', you'd probably know why.
I feel too much.
Like, I think too much about the effects of such a disaster happening.
I think about the feelings of others.
And crap.
I care goddammit.


Care way too much, probably.

it would so awesome to be an airline pilot.
The rarity of a female airline pilot enthralls me.

Over coffee :
Person #1 : Soo...what company are you working with?
Me : Qatar Airways. (or Malaysian Airlines la, fine. =_=)
Person #1 : As a stewardess? :D
Me : Haha...no, I'm not tall enough. =) I'm a pilot.
Person #1 : ... :O.

Random siot.

Which is why,
I started thinking of other occupations related to the field.
If such an occupation exists lar.
Does it?

I think it does.

But it's not as awesome as AIRLINE PILOT. D:
I want to be an airline pilot!

Better judgement is against it.

Plus what if you die? Like, the plane gets hijacked by terrorists or something and you get shot? Or if the plane just crashes?
Well, I'm not afraid of dying, so what? If the plane gets hijacked, then I'd rather the terrorists kill me than kill the passengers. Or my co-pilot. And if the plane crashes, then, well. I die. :) But before that, I'll make sure to maintain my cool and strategize and be logical and do everything within my power to land the plane safely/get everyone offboard safely before the plane hits ground/water(by using parachutes/inflatable rafts). 8D
Hahaha...'noble' konon. XD Want to save the others by sacrificing yourself...pffttt. >.<
LOL. It's not like that lar! =P Reaaally. I just don't mind dying, that's all. I'm not afraid. End. Shit happens. We should never expect too much. :\ It's just not something that can be helped. It happens...and whenever it does, then, well, I'd rather people not mourn. Cause believe me, no matter how I die, the moments before, I'd still be content. And hopefully, the people I leave behind will know me enough to know that. (a.k.a. have read my blog. :P)
It's a bit stupid to expect people not to mourn, right? Sheesh. -_- Your family wouldn't be able to take it. I can just imagine your siblings and parents lives after your death...how awkward it would be. How fragile...like thinly spun glass just waiting to be broken. Or a runaway train just on the brink of derailing...

Um...I shall stop there. :/
It's enough emoness.
The rest shall stay in my twisted head.

(Oh, I just remembered 'aircraft engineering'. XD It exists! Lol.)


This was a ... an. Interesting post. :\
To write.
It was weird.
And just so you know, I may sound differently in different posts.
I'm going to experiment with my blogging styles. ;D
So how I sound(my voice/tone) will depend on my mood, my activities of the day, my level of randomness.


Tata nows.
I never say tata.
...and thank god for that.


- Lavinia.

P.S. - I don't think I'll become an aircraft engineer. :\ We shall see...

P.P.S. - Yes, coloured font is nifty. Hahaha. And noticed how it's all in red or green? Hah. Well, MERRY late CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! :D Doesn't matter if you celebrate or not, cause I don't. But it's festive.
I like festive. *Nodnod*.
...okay, not really. -_-

P.P.P.S. - Good luck to all students who sat for PMR. Hah. Results tomorrow. :P wait, I mean, today. In 8 hours time. :)

P.P.P.P.S. - It's my 9 year old brother's birthday today too, so, although he won't read this...
Happy Birthday, Pravin! ;D
Oh, and Kaysha too. *Nodnod* 8D

P.P.P.P.P.S. - And just to make it to 5 P.s, I wonder if anyone will read this... :\
Lol. ;D

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - (Aw man, 6 P.s. -_-) Yess, the voice inside my head likes to talk to me when I'm not listening.
...that didn't make any sense. Lol. =P

Edit 1 : Blogger is being retarded. My font sizes are all messed. =.=