My Life.Just Mine.And Everyone Who's A Part Of It.

Unknowing, unknowing.

2009-01-20T22:25:00.007+03:00

I wish you wouldn’t leave me hanging here without a clue,
I need something more than this from you,
You drop a bombshell on me,
And think it’s just okay to leave.
No explanations, no reasons,
Now I don’t know what to believe in,
Everybody’s got a theory on what’s wrong,
Just know I’ll believe your song.

I wish I could be there for you, but I can’t, and I’m not, and I just want you to understand.

I’m scared for you, I’m scared for me, I’m scared of everything we’ll end up being.

I wake up each morning, look around, wonder why I was scared, and then reality comes crashing in, and I just know.

I’m going to put my earphones on, try to forget about you, and pretend like nothing’s wrong.

I want to feel the pain, because when I finally get to take that painkiller, it just feels so damn good.

I’m tuning you out, numbing the pain, I’m trying to pretend I’ve gone insane.
I'm tuning you out, numbing the pain, hoping everything will wash away in the rain.

I want nothing more than to be there next to you. I value you so much more now that I’m gone. I understand so much more now that I’ve left. I feel so much more now that you’re hurt. And I’m not there. And it hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if these tears are just a desperate attempt at emotion.

It makes me vulnerable to know that I’m crying over a possibility that may never happen at all.
That might be nothing at all. Or something very small.
Either way, it’s you I care about. Big or small, something’s happening, so I’m worried.
Still wish I wouldn’t cry though.

All of the above are random things I came up with.
You didn't have to read them.
Really.
It wasn't about quality in all of these. But I've certainly got quantity.
I like the first two lines in this post. The poem thing. The stuff in tiny writing below it was supposed to be rap-like and random-er and unrelated-ish to the first two lines. So yeah. That's why it's so weird.

To : Tabi.
Mm. These quotes and stuff were a mixture of thinking of you and listening to 'Scared of Lonely' by Beyonce and some bits could relate to Fera as well. Btw, go listen to the song. Scared of Lonely. It's good. I love it. Heh. Miss you. Well, that's not exactly the word. I'm more worried and frustrated and annoyed and wanting to know. Something. Anything.

Curiosity kills me.

Unknowing, unknowing,
Won't you release me from your hold?

That didn't make sense, and wasn't poetic, but. I'm failing at poetry right now, so I couldn't care much. I could always use the basis to form a more beautiful piece in the future.

Take care.

Love.
- Lavinia.

P.S. - This sounded like an email. And I'm in the middle of writing one to you right now. Maybe that's why this is so email-like. o_o Hah.
By 'you', I mean Tabitha, of course.

Flying High

2008-12-29T18:07:00.015+03:00

I just realised something else.

I would love to become an airline pilot.
Lol.
I like the whole technicality of it. :D

But,
being an airline pilot would mean I'd have to be responsible for lots of lives.

And I'm trying to avoid any job that would leave me responsible for people's lives.
(E.g. doctor, ... can't think of anymore atm. =_=)

I wouldn't be able to stand killing anyone.
Ahaha.
Even indirectly.
: \
If you've read the post 'Crash and Burn', you'd probably know why.
Heh.
I feel too much.
Eyeah.
Like, I think too much about the effects of such a disaster happening.
I think about the feelings of others.
And crap.
I care goddammit.

-.-

Care way too much, probably.

Anyway,
it would so awesome to be an airline pilot.
8D
The rarity of a female airline pilot enthralls me.

Over coffee :
Person #1 : Soo...what company are you working with?
Me : Qatar Airways. (or Malaysian Airlines la, fine. =_=)
Person #1 : As a stewardess? :D
Me : Haha...no, I'm not tall enough. =) I'm a pilot.
Person #1 : ... :O.

Hahaha.
Random siot.
XD

Which is why,
I started thinking of other occupations related to the field.
AIRCRAFT ENGINEER.
If such an occupation exists lar.
Heh.
Does it?
o_O
I think it does.

But it's not as awesome as AIRLINE PILOT. D:
I want to be an airline pilot!
>.<
*Pouts*

Better judgement is against it.
-_-
Plus what if you die? Like, the plane gets hijacked by terrorists or something and you get shot? Or if the plane just crashes?
Well, I'm not afraid of dying, so what? If the plane gets hijacked, then I'd rather the terrorists kill me than kill the passengers. Or my co-pilot. And if the plane crashes, then, well. I die. :) But before that, I'll make sure to maintain my cool and strategize and be logical and do everything within my power to land the plane safely/get everyone offboard safely before the plane hits ground/water(by using parachutes/inflatable rafts). 8D
Hahaha...'noble' konon. XD Want to save the others by sacrificing yourself...pffttt. >.<
LOL. It's not like that lar! =P Reaaally. I just don't mind dying, that's all. I'm not afraid. End. Shit happens. We should never expect too much. :\ It's just not something that can be helped. It happens...and whenever it does, then, well, I'd rather people not mourn. Cause believe me, no matter how I die, the moments before, I'd still be content. And hopefully, the people I leave behind will know me enough to know that. (a.k.a. have read my blog. :P)
-_- It's a bit stupid to expect people not to mourn, right? Sheesh. -_- Your family wouldn't be able to take it. I can just imagine your siblings and parents lives after your death...how awkward it would be. How fragile...like thinly spun glass just waiting to be broken. Or a runaway train just on the brink of derailing...

Um...I shall stop there. :/
It's enough emoness.
The rest shall stay in my twisted head.
Heh.

(Oh, I just remembered 'aircraft engineering'. XD It exists! Lol.)

:D

This was a ... an. Interesting post. :\
To write.
Haha.
It was weird.
And just so you know, I may sound differently in different posts.
I'm going to experiment with my blogging styles. ;D
So how I sound(my voice/tone) will depend on my mood, my activities of the day, my level of randomness.
Kays?
Kays.
8)

Good.

Tata nows.
Lol.
I never say tata.
:D
...and thank god for that.
Neways,
BYEE.

:)

- Lavinia.

P.S. - I don't think I'll become an aircraft engineer. :\ We shall see...

P.P.S. - Yes, coloured font is nifty. Hahaha. And noticed how it's all in red or green? Hah. Well, MERRY late CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE! :D Doesn't matter if you celebrate or not, cause I don't. But it's festive.
I like festive. *Nodnod*.
...okay, not really. -_-
XD

P.P.P.S. - Good luck to all students who sat for PMR. Hah. Results tomorrow. :P wait, I mean, today. In 8 hours time. :)

P.P.P.P.S. - It's my 9 year old brother's birthday today too, so, although he won't read this...
Happy Birthday, Pravin! ;D
Oh, and Kaysha too. *Nodnod* 8D

P.P.P.P.P.S. - And just to make it to 5 P.s, I wonder if anyone will read this... :\
Lol. ;D

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. - (Aw man, 6 P.s. -_-) Yess, the voice inside my head likes to talk to me when I'm not listening.
o.o
Sssh.
...that didn't make any sense. Lol. =P

Edit 1 : Blogger is being retarded. My font sizes are all messed. =.=

2008-12-24T22:35:00.002+03:00

I just realised something.
Maybe I should ramble here instead of rambling to my friends(e.g. Shi Yea. ) in convos on MSN.
O_O

*Sudden realisation*
:P

Neways...hmm. What.

Well, all I was planning on doing in this post is posting random song lyrics. Mmhmm. Like the ones I've been rambling about to Shi Yea. And Krisna. And and...uhm. Yes.

:
Hmm.

Me shall resume this post later once I've figured out how to colorify my blog.
8D

LOL.

- Lavinia.

Revival

2008-12-22T14:01:00.003+03:00

This blog's been dead for some time now, hasn't it?
Mm...a very long time, indeed. : l
I'm thinking of blogging again. Maybe.
Well, I could try.
And waste my time.
Yes, it would definitely be a waste of time.
But.
Howels.
It's not like I've got anything better to do anyways. : l
*Ssssh. Don't mention studying.* :D

Okies then.
Thus begins my attempt to BLOG.
8D

Byee now.

- Lavinia.

Lies, Facades, and Masquerades.

2008-03-09T16:40:00.004+03:00

It's all lies, isn't it?

All of it.

Masks we put on like disguises. A different one for each occasion.

Nothing seems real anymore.

We're all running around in circles.

Going nowhere.

Back and forth within our own minds.

Trying to figure out who we are.

But we never will.

You can never just be one person.

You are people. You have a different mask for the different societies you mix with.

And it's all a lie.

None of it is real.

But in the end none of it really matters.

We'll all be ashes and dust churning in the wind someday.

- Lavinia.

...as if the world was burning and burning down.

2008-01-04T16:12:00.000+03:00

Ever felt like your whole world was crumbling into a million tiny pieces in front of your eyes? Like your entire soul is being ripped out of you leaving nothing but the empty void you long for someone to fill? How the strings are torn, the ties severed, and the blood drips down slowly? And then all that’s left is the silence…

- Lavinia.

Crash and Burn

2007-05-30T14:53:00.000+03:00

I’m feeling seriously down right now. And it's because of a boy.Ahaha.Yeah, but just not in the way you might think.

Yeah, I met this guy at a choir thing we kids have to do for the Malaysian Society of Qatar (MAQ). During the first practice, I didn't really take notice of him.Well,I didn't really mingle with anyone so I guess it didn't make much of a difference(I think I've mentioned before that I am an introvert?). And same thing happened when I passed him by a couple of times at the pool near where I live. We just...smiled briefly and went our separate ways. The 2nd practice was no different.

But then as I was walking home after practice, he happened to be taking the same way as I was. (Note: My sister and brother were with me as well). And so I casually asked him how old he was. He asked me right back, “Would you believe me if I said I was 15?" He was around my height (give or take an inch, which meant about 5"3/4), so I told him "Yeah. Well, I’m 15." And then he just sorta smiled and said, “Well, I’m 17.” And I was like, seriously? Okay. So then I asked him which school he was going to, and he said he'd finished school and was going to Sunway College back in Malaysia in June. And that was that.

I saw him again in the evening while I was sitting by the pool, watching my sister, brother, and dad swim. He dragged up a chair and joined me. We ended up talking quite a bit, though there were numerous long, awkward silences when we both just stared at the pool. Turns out he plays the drums. When I told him that I liked Fall Out Boy, he just said, “Sorry, but they suck.” Haha. Well, the kind of music he was into was more hardcore. Hard rock. Yeah. Metallica, Bon Jovi, Guns & Roses, and whatnot. But I didn’t take any offence or anything. I mean, yeah, you have your preferences and I have mine (this reminds me of how Tabitha thinks Avril is a poser.Well, she sort of is anyway. Lol). I can’t really remember what else we talked about. Hmm…we just spent our time exchanging facts about each other.Well, for one thing, I know he hates reading, and wonders how come girls usually like reading, and why girls are smarter than guys. Oh, and I remember I told him, “You seem shy.” And then he just went, “Oh, really? How’d you know?” And then I stammered out a reply that probably didn’t really make much sense, but gah, who cares?

Anyway, the next day, I bumped into him again, which was inevitable, seeing as we had practice in the afternoon. Didn’t talk to him at practice, (I told you I was shy), but in the evening, he was sitting by the pool, and Sharinia, Pravin, and me decided to crash at his table. Sharinia, who was so obviously taken up by his being a dedicated drummer, immediately began questioning him on how long it took him to learn all the beats, and whether practicing once a week would be enough. As the conversation progressed, he told her, “Hey, give me a call if you ever come to Shah Alam. I’ll check my schedule and maybe I can teach you to play drums when you come over.” To which she began giggling in that weird way she always does when she doesn’t know what to say or doesn’t understand something (kinda reminds you of Rachel Soo, doesn’t it?). I didn’t do much talking this time around. After a while, Sharinia and Pravin left for home to retrieve their mp3 players. “So what do you think of them?” I asked him, smiling. He laughed, shaking his head, and replied, “I…I really don’t know.” Both of us sat in silence for some time after that, before he finally broke it. “D’you…do you mind if I go dunk myself in the water?” It was my turn to shake my head, though a raised eyebrow was clearly visible. “No, no...Not at all. Go ahead,” I said, motioning towards the pool. “Okay, thanks, cause it was really starting to get hot…” He walked to the pool, taking the last few steps at a run, before diving headfirst into the water. (And, yes, Fera, he kept his shirt on.-_- Ahaha.). He was in the pool for only about a minute max, before he came out again soaking wet and sat down, dabbing at his hands and face with a towel, his hair plastered to his forehead. When Sharinia and Pravin returned and realised he was drenched to the skin, he told them, shivering, “Oh, it rained. Didn’t you know?” -failing which, we settled for – “Yeah, I shoved him in”. Long silences ensued again in between the chatter, during which each of us tried to find something else to stare at in turn before turning away. (Except maybe Pravin, since he was too busy listening to his mp3 player to even notice the stillness of it all).

Then, I said, “So I suppose you’ll be taking your driver’s license as soon as you get back to Malaysia, huh?” expecting him to be anticipating it as most people I know do (And, yeah, Stephanie, that includes you. ^_^).

“Nope. My dad won’t let me.”

“Huh? Oh. Why not?”

“Well, he probably thinks I’m not mature enough,” he replied, pondering the question pretty seriously, to which I was just about to laugh and tell him that he was definitely mature when he continued, “Not responsible enough, I guess…and I kinda have a phobia about driving…”

I just nodded, but Sharinia interrupted, “Why do have a phobia of driving?”

Smiling, he said, “You really don’t wanna know. Believe me, you don’t.”

After a few seconds, Sharinia smiled sheepishly. “I think I know. Maybe…maybe your…mother had an accident before?”

“Er…not quite.”

I threw Sharinia an exasperated look, since she had made it sound as though his mum had died or something, and we knew perfectly well that his mum was the one coming to pick him up later. The only theory that had entered my mind was that he had driven before and probably knocked someone over, and that the person had either died or got seriously injured. But I just sort of laughed at this idea inside my head, since I knew that my mind was usually very capable of coming up with extremely dramatic situations (thanks to an overactive imagination).

When Sharinia continued looking at him enquiringly, he sighed. “You really want to know?”

I just shrugged, while Sharinia half-nodded, giggling again.

“Hmm…well, okay. Um…it was two years ago, when we were back in Malaysia for the holidays…summer vacation, you know. And…and I sorta sneaked out and took the keys to my mum’s car. Drove over to my friend’s hou-”

“You were driving a car? How old were you?” Sharinia’s eyebrows were knitted really close together, as though she was trying to solve some tough Maths problem (Maths, huh? This reminds me of Adila).

“Fifteen,” I muttered, not taking my eyes off him.

Then Sharinia turned to me, her eyes all big and round, and went, “*Gasp* He was driving…but he was only fifteen!”

I just gestured for her to keep quiet. I wanted to kick her, knowing that she was probably just making him feel worse, but I remained in my seat, frozen, hoping against hope, for one of the few times in my life, that I was wrong.

“Yeah, so I drove to my friend’s house, and…on the way back, I sorta crashed into someone…” He paused to take a breath.

Oh, God, please…fucking hell…no. I had just sworn, but it didn’t even register at that time. My stomach was all clenched up.

“He was young…” Please don’t let it be a child… “…around twenty-two.”

I wanted to know, to know what happened to him, but I didn’t dare ask because…because I knew what was coming. Tell me he’s not dead…

“Yeah…” He paused again. “Um…eventually, he died,” he said matter-of-factly.

The silence now was even more pronounced than before. Everyone was staring at something else. The atmosphere felt a lot heavier, but I don’t think Sharinia and Pravin noticed. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I blinked them away. And of all the stupid things to do, I sorta smiled, I smiled… (Right now I wish I could bang my head on the table repeatedly. Or maybe against a wall). God knows what I was thinking. But as soon as I did it, I know I regretted it. Emotion stung at my throat, but I just sat staring down at my lap. I wanted to move, but couldn’t; I wanted to say something, but didn’t know what to.

Then he excused himself, saying he was going to change (his clothes were still dripping wet, remember?), leaving me behind with Sharinia and Pravin, hoping that none of them would ask any questions (which, thankfully, they didn’t). A while after he returned, we, too, left as it was getting late and we hadn’t had a bath yet.

But the impact was still the same; that conversation really affected me. And I love the way I’ve written it down; it sounds awesome. You know, as in it’s an awesome piece of writing, not that listening to him was awesome. In fact, it sucked. Yeah. Do you think I liked having feelings of pain and guilt clawing at me? It was as if his emotions had somehow transfused into mine. I have no idea if that was how he felt about it, but that’s certainly how I would have felt if it had happened to me. I’d…I don’t know what I’d do. I would probably have just sat in the driver’s seat, frozen, clenching the steering wheel, telling myself that this wasn’t real; I was still at home, just about to take the car keys. Knowing, in the back of my mind, that no one would come to wake me from this nightmare, but not wanting to believe it all the same. It would have been bad enough if I’d merely gotten caught taking the car out, after which I would be cursing myself, wallowing in regret…but to have actually caused a person to die the first time I did? Oh, God. I mean, imagine if the parents of the guy I’d just run over were to come up to me and start screaming at me for killing their son (yes, I know this might be getting a little overdramatic, but after what he’s told me, I’m starting to think anything’s possible). I don’t think I could ever bear that. The first thing I’d do is to run to the nearest toilet and hurt myself. Yes, hurt myself. Someway, somehow…slit my wrists, maybe. Or bang my head repeatedly against the sink, watching my crimson blood drip, drip, drip, onto the newly waxed floor (I’m using the same phrase I used in Random-T.P.T.N.M.I-A.C.A.U.W.O.T). I’d feel as though I didn’t deserve to live, after what I’d done. (…I think this is getting a little too emo…even for me. I shall stop now.)

*Sigh*

So now I suppose you guys have figured out how I can write such amazingly detailed, nerve-wrecking, emotion-wringing stories, huh? Pfft. Yeah, cause I do a lot more than just create or-or…imagine the situation. I visualize it. I feel it. I actually relate to the fear…or the anger, or the happiness, the guilt, the frustration, the pain, the panic, the relief, the joy - everything. I actually cry when my character is especially depressed (well, no, not really. The tears sting my eyes, and I just blink them away, but the feeling doesn’t fade, of course). Every word I write is carefully planned in my mind, yes, but it’s never stiff or rigid, or following a certain format or set of rules; it’s free and flowing. My mind usually wanders a lot, but instead of stopping it, I let it take me where it wants to go; coming up with or discovering ideas so creative that I sometimes astound myself (I constantly enjoy pushing and breaking my own limits or barriers); trying to think of more significant sentences for my story that might be able to provoke or plant a certain emotion in the reader. Basically, when I write, I just try to write something which I would enjoy both reading and writing (usually I enjoy the writing part more, since it’s more involving than the reading alone. oh, and I also really enjoy reading the fruits of my efforts in the reviews –and desperate pleas– I get from other people).

Anyway, back to the guy I was talking about…I pity him. I really really feel bad for him. I had suspected that he was shy and reserved because he was somewhat short and probably felt insecure or something (yeah, 16-year-old guys here are, like, 5”10. Damn. In that case, I’m gonna feel like a dwarf. o_o), but I had no idea that it was something this huge that had made his life seem so freaking messed up! God, that sucks. That really really sucks. Big-time. I mean, who would expect the weight of the world to come crashing down on your shoulders when you’re fifteen? At fifteen, you’re supposed to be carefree and having fun, the time of your life, in fact, but instead, you’re worrying your ass off over a major mistake you made, that you can’t seem to forget, trying to get rid of the regret. And you have to deal with the nightmares, the pangs of guilt your conscience keeps sending you, constantly reminding you of what you did, and the voice inside your head that mutters non-stop about how you don’t deserve to live. Ouch. I think that’s just too much. It’s enough to kill anyone. Or drive them to insanity. Indeed. I just…feel so bad for him. I feel like giving him a hug, and taking all the pain away, which I know I can’t. But then again, this happened two years ago. He’s probably already gotten over it and certainly doesn’t need to be reminded again. Who knows if he felt even half of what I’ve mentioned? Not many people have the emotional capacity I have, you know. Besides, let’s not get physical right now, kay? o_O Haha. I’m just gonna stick to words.

Man, this thing is funny and depressing at the same time. Weird…but it felt good to write this. Yeah, it did. And a big thanks to all those people who actually had enough concentration to read up to here (and no, simply reading the beginning and end doesn’t count. -_-).

Whereas to those people out there whose reaction is “So? Shit happens. Why are you so concerned anyway?”, I have something to say to you –

That’s the problem with me: I think too much. I feel too much. I care too goddamned much.
Damn myself.

Gah.

- Lavinia.

P.S. – And no, to those who are wondering, I am NOT crushing on this guy, okay?! NOR am I going out with him or anything. Sheesh. I mean, come on. Like I mentioned to one friend, who rushed to this conclusion, “Why does it always have to be about boy-girl relationships?!” (Oh, and, yeah, Derryk, that friend would be you. No offence though, cause it’s the first impression EVERYONE got.)

P.P.S. – Hey, go look at the last long paragraph I wrote. The middle part of it sounds like rapping. Seriously! I only realized that much later when I was re-reading it. It evens rhymes a little, though I had not intended it that way at all.

P.P.P.S. – Everything you’ve just read is 100% fact, not fiction. And EVERYTHING I’ve written now belongs to me, and only me. (Oh, wait, it actually also partly belongs to the guy I wrote about…but no one else. So, hah!). If you felt touched enough by it (or maybe disgusted or something), feel free to pass the link around to anyone you know. But if you even attempt to steal any part of it, claiming it to be yours or otherwise, I swear that you shall suffer and perish in a horrible, horrible death. -_-

…or maybe I’ll just run you over with a car as soon as I learn to drive. : )

Last Song I Wrote

2007-01-10T17:15:00.000+03:00

This is the last song i wrote and,as you may have guessed,it doesn't have a title yet.Haha.And I'm having problems with the first few lines so I'll just fill in the blanks later on...

[Verse 1]
__________________
___________________
Just take my hand,
Lead me there.

Hold me close,
Never let me go,
Sit me on your lap,
Rock me to and fro.

Whisper in my ear,
Brush away my tear,
Hug me tight,
Let me know you're hee-eare.
That you're near..

[Pre-Chorus]
Let me know you'll be with me,
Lemme know you'll stay,
And that you'll never-ever,
Fade...awaaay...

[Chorus]
Cause I need you here,
And I want you near,
More than anything,
Somebody to cling..on to...
When times are rough,
When the going gets tough,
Cause I'll be there for yo-ouu..
And I need you there with me...too..

[Verse 2]
Take me by surprise,
Stare into my eyes,
Tell me that you love me,
Say it twice.

Take me on a journey,
Through your life,
I wanna be a part of it,
To be by your side...

[Pre-Chorus]
Tell me that you need me,
Tell me that you'll stay,
And that you'll never-ever,
Fade..away...

*[Chorus]*
Too...ooo..oh,oh...ooo..

*[Chorus]*

Okay.That was it.I know the ending is a bit cacated,but believe me,it sounds very nice on the guitar.The chords I use are Am-F-C-G.It's just repeated throughout the entire song.The ending is a fade-out.
This is only the 2nd song I've actually finished.Oh my god.Out of 10 I finished 2...O_O...Gah!!(Don't ask me what Gah's supposed to mean,it's just randomness..)

*hurries off to finish the rest*

-Lavinia-

P.S.-I need comments,people..!So comment already!Or I shall haunt you in what shall prove to be your worst nightmare.Boo.

Driving Back

2006-12-10T06:55:00.000+03:00

I've been meaning to post this up for quite a while,but never got around to doing it.So,here it is...finally...

The drive from Klang up to Kuala Kangsar was sublime...I mean it.I mean,yeah,it was just a drive,but the view was breath-taking.We left at around 6 in the morning.Just my dad,me,my younger sister and brother.I took the passenger seat at the front beside my dad,while the other two took the seats behind us.And now,I shall begin describing its ultimate awesomeness...

As we rolled out onto the highway,surrounded by faraway mountains and greenery,I was captivated by the sky.Yeah,I know you're probably thinking,'First the moon,now the sky'.Haha.Anyway,towards my left I could see nothing but black,but straight ahead I could see the colours starting to form.The darkest purple you've ever seen,slowly turning into a dark blue,and then moving on to a light blue.When I turned my head towards my right,I was astounded.Far across the horizon,dawn was breaking.I'd never imagined dawn would come in a variety of colours.And it wasn't just me,because the colours stayed until about halfway through the journey.It was the colours of the rainbow,yet no rainbow.I could see the colours starting with a reddish tint at the horizon,and slightly higher up came orange,and then a bright yellow,followed soon enough by light green,fading smoothly into dark green,and finally,joining forces with the blues,and purples that I had seen earlier.It was like a remarkably abstract piece of art.I watched the whole thing in awe.And to think,I woke up in the morning with no inkling that I would be able to see the amazing tranformation of dark turn into light.
I watched the same view for a long while,until the sun slowly began to rise,taking most of the colours away,leaving only a whitish sky.But even the white sky had its captivating element.In phase two of this proccess,I began to notice the purple(yes,PURPLE!) clouds that were peppered with peach floating above me.Yes,purple clouds peppered with a peachy orange would describe it perfectly.
Phase three was when everything would calm down and the many colours would leave,and the sun would rise completely into the sky and soothe everything.This eventually left the clear blue sky with the puffy white clouds that we see so many times in our daily lives,without having a clue about the amazing process it takes to reach this stage.
*Sigh*...
That's all I wanted to say.
:)
Buh-bye now...

Mesmerizing Beauty...

2006-12-09T17:49:00.000+03:00

I watched the moon last night.I spent a total of 30 minutes standing at the window facing the back of my house,avidly watching the moon and the dark clouds that flew over it.I always knew the moon was beautiful,but never had I imagined that it would ever be that mesmerizingly beautiful.
You know what the funny thing is?I was so into it,that I could feel every particle of my body concentrating on that one silvery orb floating in that black endless sky.I actually wanted to reach out and touch it.I know it sounds like something a small child would say,but that's how I felt.I had the sudden urge to begin climbing the rolling hills covered with tombstones that were behind my house.The urge was so strong,I could feel it pulsating within me.I could even pinpoint the exact spot I needed to reach to be able to stand on tiptoe and touch the moon.In my mind,I already had my course planned out.A map to know which path to take.It was like nothing I've ever felt before...
Right this very moment,all I want to do is to lie down on the green grass and stare at the moon.But considering the fact that all there is behind my house is an ancient Chinese cemetery,I know that I would never dare do it alone.If someone's willing to come with me,I might actually try it someday.Yes.I'm that desperate.
And I also realised a few things about myself.One of it being the fact that I am easily mesmerized and highly captivated by beauty.Like the beautiful moon.The stars.The clouds.The sea.Sun.Sky.Horizon.Sand.Mountains.Snow.The trees.Dawn.Dusk.I feel like I'm in love.In love with beauty.The beautiful wonders of nature.I tend to lose myself in it.And I'm also in love with beautiful people.I'm not talking about how a guy or girl(P.S.-I'm not a lesbian and never will be.) looks.Not outer beauty.But inner beauty.Beautiful souls.Now I've just reminded myself of Jesse Mccartney's song 'Beautiful Soul'.It's a beautiful song,that one is.Beautiful souls.Beautiful personalities.Inner depth.Yes...I'm in love with a person's depth.Just like my own.That's one of the few things that I love about myself.My inner depth.My empathy.My love for life.My...amazing ability to write...which I thank God for,because,without it,I would never have been able to express myself in such a complete way if it weren't for the words that have already evolutionised and coexisted for centuries.
Haha.I know I like to move my focus all around.I like taking a story from all angles.It gives me the freedom to think.To expand my horizons.My vast and wide open imagination.I've diverted this post from the moon,to how I felt,to beauty,to beautiful souls,and to what I love about myself.And now I shall take us back to the beginning in a conclusion for everything I had to say about the moon...

All I have to say,is that I can always dream can't I?So,be one of my dreams it shall.Someday,soon,I hope,I shall take some time off to lie back and relax under the dark sky,glitering stars,and of course,the star of this entry,the beautiful,one and only....moon.
:)
I feel at peace now.Well,almost.Except for the fact that my mum is screaming at me to get to bed.
Well,so long and goodnight,then.:)

Falling For You/Love Me Too?

2006-10-12T11:01:00.000+03:00

This is another song I wrote.I'd probably just rate it as average,but all writers usually critic their work more than is neccessary.So I'll just let you be the judge.This one I wrote about a month and a half ago.And I'd like to shout out a very special thanks to the person who inspired this song.I haven't really though much about the title but it'll probably either be 'Love Me Too' or 'Falling For You'.If you have any suggestions on the title or how to improve the song,go ahead and voice out your thoughts.So,here it is...

[Verse 1]
From the way you make me smile,
Everytime I look into your eyes,
To the way I always sigh,
Everytime I hear your voice...

[Pre-chorus 1]
I like you,
I really do,
And I swear..that,
This is true...

[Chorus]
I love you,
Oh,baby,I do,
I can't help it,
You're just too good to be true..
I'm..falling for you,
Wanna call you my boo,
I just want to you to let me know...
If you love me too..-ooh-ooh...

[Verse 2]
I know a place where you and I,
Can live to-gether and for-ever,
Ha-ppi-ly side by side,
I know..it'll be like heaven..
But now it's back to earth for me,
We need to pause the fantasy,
Now that there's no more make believe,
I need to focus on reality..

[Pre-chorus 2]
I need you,
I really do..
Swirling in my heart..
And mind too...

[Chorus]
I love you,
Oh,baby,I do,
I can't help it,
You're just too good to be true..
I'm..falling for you,
Wanna call you my boo,
I just want to you to let me know...
If you love me too..-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh...

[Bridge]
Everytime..I see your face..
I want your lips to touch mine..just one tae-aste....
But I can't..bring..myself to tell you..
How I really feel..about you.......

[The Last Part...a.k.a. The Ending]
I'm FAA-ling for you...
I SWEAR that it's true....
I'm falling for you,
Wanna call you my boo,
I just want you to let me know-ooh....
I love you,
Oh,baby,I do,
I can't help it,
You're just too good to be true..
I'm falling for you,
Wanna call you my boo,
I just want you to let me know-oh..
If you..
Love..
Me..
Too....
If you..love..me too....
.....
If you love me too.

That was it.So,what d'you think?I really enjoyed it.Typing it out here while singing it made me remember how much I like it.But it made me feel kinda depressed.I'm not sure why..Maybe because that was how I felt when I wrote it.I guess I wouldn't give it an average after all...

I think it was really good. : )
Do you?

-Lavinia-
Or as Fera calls me...:)
-Lala-

P.S.-Leave comments,people!All comments will be highly appreciated and deeply loved!XD

I Don't Like How I Look

2006-09-20T17:24:00.000+03:00

I don't really like the way I look.Wait-I don't like the way I look.Fullstop.I know it may be a weird thing to say(or not),but...I just don't feel comfortable trying to fit in my skin.It's like a t-shirt that's two sizes smaller than it's supposed to be,and that's saying a lot,because I can practically fit into anything.I feel...as if...my face is not how I want it to look.I know a lot of people feel that way,but with me,it's different.Inside,I'm this tres deep person who comes up with really touching and thoughtful stuff,especially poems filled with pain,empathy,and emotion.But on the outside...I don't know.I just feel that it doesn't potray...ME.It's not ME.I'm not ME.I'm always self-consious.When I go out,that is.At home I obviously don't really give a shit about how I look because I know that my family have known me my whole life and they don't give a shit either.And with my mates,well,it's cool.But when it's strangers and outsiders,haha...I care.I care about the impression I give.No one wants to give a bad impression.Sometimes,I just act like I don't give a shit when I actually do.I'm twisted that way.Correction-in many ways...I feel mixed up.I look like a small,kiddy-like,(some people even go to the extent of calling me "cute") girl,but my personality,thoughts,and perspective...well...they're just really deep.Anyway,I don't like how I look.I look weird.And I am so not comfortable with how I look,as you may have obviously figured out.It's hard to explain.But I think I tried my best to do so in the very best manner possible.:)Sigh.Oh wells.Tomorrow's another day.Okay,now I don't know what I'm saying.Okies.That's it for now.I may continue this post later by editing it...

But for now...

Byes!

-Lavinia-

Another song...

2006-09-19T17:11:00.000+03:00

Here's another one I wrote...I think it was the first one I wrote.I really like it.So,here it is...enjoy.

-No Title Yet-

Cause you,
You didn't dare,
You couldn't care,
All you did was sit and stare.
Cause you,
Held me real tight,
Kissed me goodnight,
Yet it didn't feel right.
You touched my face,
Started to praise,
But it was like a daze,
I was only like your-latest/a-temporary craze...

You...you...you didn't love me,
No,you...you...you wouldn't hug me,
You...you didn't care for me,
Weren't there for me,
But now it makes sense to me,
And I can't believe you lied to me,
And you cried to me,
Said you'd die for me,
But now I see,
You're wearing a disguise,
All I want to say is goodbye...
Good...bye....
Goodbye,Goodbye,Good-bye.......
...and Goodbye.

Yup...that's it so far..I'll update it later when I continue.Okay.Once again,comments highly appreciated.Please comment.:)

Please and thank you!

-Lavinia-

An Untitled Song...

2006-09-19T17:06:00.000+03:00

Hey,everyone...I've been TRYING to write songs recently and I think that this one "song" I wrote is pretty good.Well,I liked it.Its the longest "song" I've written so far and its not even done yet.Comment if you must...Wait...On the second thought,please DO comment...it might be useful to me....in some way or other...so,read on,people...read on...

-Untitled-

[Verse 1]
It was all wrong,
Nothing went right at all,
Here's a new song,
So listen as I give you a call,
Let's just get along,
Get rid of this invisible wall,
(Make it through,
Just like we used to...do)
It was all true,
It was very clear for you to see,
That I loved you,
And that I really wanted to be,
With you,
And together with me,We'll,
(Make it through,
Just like we used to...do)

[Pre-Chorus]
Everytime you pass me by,
You leave me here to cry...
...why?!

[Chorus]
Let's,*I haven't figured out the few words to put here*,
Don't leave me lying here,
(To deal with) the heartache and the tears.
Let's,make it up tonight,
Everything will be alright,
Everything will be just fine...
Tonight.

[Verse 2]
Dancing in the moonlight,
Watching the clouds pass by,
Every now and then,
Letting out a sigh,
Feeling like I wanna die,
I can't help but cry,
(Will we make it through,
Just like we used to...do)

That's it...so far...So,what do you think of it?Please comment.I seriously need to know how good or bad it is.Just say whatever you feel like saying about it.Good or bad.I can accept it,don't worry.Haha.LOL.Okies then.Please comment.Your comments will all be read through one by one by the one and only Lavinia and will all be highly appreciated.Please and thank you!

-Lavinia-

...My Reflections On DEATH...

2006-09-05T17:19:00.000+03:00

Here's something I wrote while thinking about...well,death,obviously...I think it may be a little boring.But,that's just how it is.It's my reflections on death.Read and let your mind ponder as well...

-Death-

Death,
What is death?
Is it just a period of time when your soul and spirit leaves your body, wandering in search of another body to occupy?
Or does your soul, spirit, and body just fall into eternal darkness, never to be used again?
Or does it venture further, a step higher, into heaven or hell, where it remains, immortal?
No one knows.
For the ones who have the answers are no longer with us to explain the proper facts.
……or are they?
Are we just too blind to see them?
Have the scientific facts of life blinded us so badly that we refuse to notice even the slightest out-of-the-ordinary happenings?
Are there spirits of our loved ones surrounding us in warm embrace to protect us from unknown dangers at this very moment?
Once again, no one knows.
There is no way of finding out for sure what is fact and what is not when it is death that is being questioned.
The only way to understand it fully would be to experience it for ourselves, leaving our family, friends, and body behind in the process and unable to communicate with the rest of the world we once used to know, journeying into an entirely different dimension as we unravel one of the greatest mysteries of all time.
Who knows?
Death could be a fun-filled wonderland,
Or it could be a dooms-day hellhole.
In my opinion, it’s about what you believe that matters,
And not what has been scientifically proven.
As for me, I believe that death is an opening to many great, unknown possibilities.
I guess some mysteries are just meant to remain a mystery...forever...

So,how was it?Feel free to leave comments.It's really...wordy(???) and...well...expressive?Okay.I'm going to stop now and let you comment instead.I hope you liked it.
Bye!:)

Peace Out...(V2)

2006-09-05T17:12:00.000+03:00

Hey,everyone...I once wrote this poem as long as 12 verses about peace.And then I lost the damned paper.So I wrote I shortened version from the fragments that I could remember to send for a competition in school.And a few months after that I found the original poem again.And then now I've gone and lost it again.It's a twisted story.Conclusion : I've lost the original version,so here's the shortened one that's no where as good as the original.Enjoy.

-Peace-

Peace is not a dream to be,
No matter how it may seem to me,
I skip happily through meadows green,
Singing softly to the wind.

Without a care in the world,
With dolls and toys in a heap,
While somewhere else in the world,
There are children with no beds in which to sleep.

Not knowing where their next meal would come from,
Or when the next bomb would fall,
What wrong have these children done,
To suffer these atrocities caused by man.

I would like to see children rock to the beat of lively music,not rocked by bombs,
I would like to see people shocked by kindness,not shocked by cruelty,
You and I can make a difference,
Let us begin the journey towards making peace,not a mere dream anymore,but reality.

That one was very simple,so I'm not exactly expecting any raving comments from you people,but I just felt like posting it.So I did.

Back....at last!!!

2005-12-17T06:50:00.000+03:00

Hey,guys..I'm finally back.Sorry about not starting on the thing about New Zealand,I had to go to bed right after I made the post titled 'Journal Of My Visit To New Zealand'.Haha.Anywayz,now that I'm back,I'll have plenty of time to write,and I'm gonna start right now.But I've decided not to write the journal on this blog.I'm gonna create a new blog and describe my trip to NZ in a detailed day-by-day fashion.K.See ya!Make sure you check out my NZ blog!It'll be up real soon...I promise...okay,maybe not...but...sigh....

Journal Of My Visit To New Zealand

2005-12-04T12:13:00.000+03:00

Hello again!No,I am not back yet,but I will be in two weeks time.Right now I'm using the computer in my dad's friend's house in Bluff,New Zealand.I've been here for two days-catching up on any news I've missed with friends on MSN Messenger,checking my email,...Anyway,after this post,I'm gonna do a series of posts about my trip,like a journal.I'm gonna try to do it in a detailed fashion,day-by-day.It may take you a long time to read it,but you might learn quite a lot of things about New Zealand or travelling in general.Okay.I better get started now.Bye!^_^

Middle Earth,here I come!!!

2005-11-14T04:34:00.000+03:00

Woohoo!!Oh my God!!I so can't believe it!I'm going to New Zealand,home of Hobbits,Elves,Dwarves, and everything else from LOTR,today!Oh,the joy!Actually,to be frank,it isn't bringing me much joy.I think its because the reality of it still hasn't hit me yet.Sigh.Oh well,I guess I'll just have to wait for my flight to land in the Auckland International Airport for it to hit me.Okay.I'll tell you all about it as soon as I get back!Can't wait.Bye!^_^

P.S.-I'll be back on the 16th of Dec-which means I'll be in NZ for a whole freaking MONTH!!!^_^

Crap...its untitled...for now...

2005-11-06T10:34:00.000+03:00

Hello...oh god...I feel so damned lazy right now to write...I was planning on writing about how my Deepavali went...but...just not right now...I'm still motivated enough to do another post though...its about my long-lost poem...haha...then again,maybe I won't do it...as I said earlier,I'm too damned lazy right now...oh,well...I...*yawns and stretches a little*...I can always do it tomorrow...or the day after...or the day after that...or the day after that...or the day after that...or...this weekend...or next week...or next month...or next year...and you have wasted your time reading this useless piece of total and utter CRAP...!!!^_^NYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sigh...bye...

No Place Like Home

2005-10-30T18:26:00.000+03:00

I know I'm not supposed to be up this late considering the fact that I have to wake up at 4.30 in the morning tomorrow,but I just can't help myself as it'll probably another week or so before I am able to make a new blog post.Why,you ask?Because I'm going home for Deepavali,thats why!Okay,so maybe its not really MY home,but it'll just as good as my home anyway.Its actually my dad's home.Its the place he grew up in and its the place where practically the whole family still lives in.He(my dad),his parent(my "apachee/apachi" which stands for paternal grandmother in Tamil;on the other hand,unfortunately,my "tata" which stands for grandfather in Tamil passed away before I was born),and his siblings and their families(my aunties,uncles,and cousins) are as close as close can be.In every gesture,word, and thought among the whole family,there is an undeniable feeling present despite all the misunderstandings and arguments,and that feeling is love.Love.Right.What a bunch of crap.Isn't that what you're thinking?Why on Earth is this exaggerative 13-year-old is coming up with all sorts of crap about love and family when everyone knows its so not true?But whatever you think,I seriously don't give a freaking damn.If you want to believe in what I say,then you are about to gain some serious...what do you call it?Um...hmm...I can't remember the exact word,but lets just stick with knowledge about love and families coming straight from the heart.If not,well,then I think you need an urgent wake-up call.Either way,I've got nothing to lose.As I was saying...its true.Its...well...I don't know how to explain a love thats so deep that you can't even imagine it in your dreams.Its the sort of love that can rarely be found anymore.Its the sort of love that you will treasure for a lifetime and never regret.Its the sort of love that is much needed in our ever-changing world full of hatred and war.Its a bond so deep that...that...that the whole world itself ought to stop and take a moment to watch it blossom.It is a truly,truly amazing thing just to be a part of all that love and I thank God for this wonderous blessing.Wow.I am so poetic.Haha.But seriously,guys,you will never,I repeat,NEVER, find a love so true and honest in the whole of,well,shall we start with Malaysia?The world might be too big.There might be other families like mine out there and if yours is just like mine,well,you ought to be really lucky and thankful for it.If you are around my age,you probably might not realise nor appreaciate what you have (I am very mature for my age),but try sitting down,putting on your headphones,listening to what music comforts you the most,and think.Just take a moment to think.Think about your family.Think about all the love they show you.Sure,at times you may feel like they just don't care about you.Or maybe at times you feel really angry and hate them so much,but no matter what happens,they will be there for you.Even your friends,best friends or not, are just like a passing fad.They come and they go.Whereas your family stays with you forever.Of course,you may leave them as is the case with many other people,but whatever happens,you should never forget all that they've done for you.Take some time to visit them in the very least and rekindle all your bittersweet memories.I'm sure you won't regret it.I sure haven't.My family and I always take time to visit my grandma,aunties,uncles,and cousins whenever it is the school holidays,and our bond is stronger than ever.I'll be going back to Kuala Kangsar,Perak(Malaysia,Asia,Earth,Milky Way,Universe...) this Deepavali as well.It may just be same old,same old,but as the saying goes,"There's no place like home."

P.S.-To all the Indians out there,wish you a very 'Happy Deepavali'!
P.P.S.-To all the Malays out there,'Selamat Hari Raya'!
P.P.P.S.-To everyone else,enjoy yourselves as much as possible during this festive season!^_^

Me and My Complicated Self

2005-10-29T13:21:00.000+03:00

Hey.Hello.Hi.Good day.Yellow.Yo.Konichiwa.Hai...-the list of greetings are endless,but I'm just gonna stick with the usual "Hey."
Hey.My name is Lavinia.I am also known by many other nicknames such as Genki Fan,Kisaro Kenchii,Gary,avrilavignia, and Oddie,among which my favourite is Lala.It may be childish to you,but to me its just but another form of self-expression,which to me,is my wackiness.I have an extremely wild imagaination that I ought to warn you about and I'm celebrating my 13th birthday today.I'm not like any other ordinary 13-year-old who only thinks about boys,shopping,and fun.I'm a one in a million teen who enjoys writing(poetry,novels,scripts...),is technology-wise,is currently looking for a job(like acting in comercials or writing for a magazine),and thinks a lot about a wide span of topics ranging from death to...shall we say,my latest crush?Well,you get the idea.I also haven't quite found my inner self yet-its true!Sometimes I can get all wacky and excited,whereas at other times I feel really gloomy and depressed,and at yet another time,I take on the skater-punk mood.Its like...there are so many different personalities in me...and I just don't know which one is really...me...confusing,I know...but its just really hard to put into words and explain...
...all that information enough for you to get a basic idea of what I'm like?Maybe not.Oh,well...I guess the only person that can understand me is...me.I'm just too damned complicted.Yup.That's me all right.Me and my complicated self.Try to figure me out if you can,but believe me,you won't go far...